Are you really paying attention?
It struck me recently that listening is a bit like driving. What I mean is that most people would probably say that they are a good listener, in the same way they would probably say they are a good driver. After all, who would want to admit to being bad at either?
Of course, some of you never finish the other person’s sentence or lose track of what they are saying while you prepare your reply, but that is not the case for most of us most of the time.
Over the years, there have been many times when I left a discussion feeling that I had been wasting my time and breath, that it was one-way traffic in my direction. But recently, I have been humbled by reflecting on how others might see their interactions with me.
As leaders and managers, are we truly listening to others? Our team, our colleagues? And outside work, our friends and loved ones?
"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." Stephen R. Covey
Learning to listen
Unlike driving, you don’t have to pass a listening test before being let loose on the world. Instead, the way we listen is shaped by all sorts of things – our personality, our upbringing, our environment and sometimes the culture of our workplace, to name but a few.
Some of you have no doubt been trained to improve your listening skills, so you know the difference that attentive listening can make. But it takes effort to put those skills into practice consistently, skills such as making time, giving your full attention, allowing silence for reflection, listening to what is not being said and playing back what you have heard.
“The word 'listen' contains the same letters as the word 'silent'.” Alfred Brendel
What gets in the way?
Many of us put our driving skills to good use every day, but our conversations can end up like a car crash when we hear what is being said but are not really listening. Often, we have our own agenda or we are simply too busy. At other times, we want to avoid the other person or we misunderstand what has been said, without asking them to clarify.
"You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time." M. Scott Peck
Making the change
However, it is possible to change how you listen and it starts with small, simple steps and a genuine willingness to improve. Here are some ideas to get you started today as you talk with people at work and at home.
Just try one at a time – you’ll be amazed what a difference it will make.
Find somewhere quiet to talk, away from all interruptions, especially your phone
Look at people when they are talking to you
Let them finish their own sentences in their own words
Wait a moment before replying so you know you’ve heard everything
If you don’t understand something, ask them to clarify
“You can't fake listening. It shows.” Raquel Welch